You may remember an old article on a survivalist guide hack job published by one of The Libertarian Party’s most popular online outlets, Personal Liberty digest.
I think this stupidity has officially spread to the millenials.
Either these people are too stupid to use simple logic or the American survivalist marketing industry is obviously focused on killing people off with useless crap in order to thin the herd if ever there is an apocalypse.
Battlbox claims that they are:
The only monthly subscription that could keep you ALIVE!
You can get a one time or monthly survival gear package from this site. When you subscribe they ask you a boat load of intrusive questions along with asking if you are now or ever were in the military (likely fishing to see if they can pull a bogus military endorsement from sales numbers). In the box you get a slew of useless crap, two items you can kind of use and one over priced item that is useful yet you can find a better option at an ace hardware for half the price. I found one ten times better for hardly 1/6 the price at the local harbor freight. Here is what you get in the “battlbox”(s):
In the basic box:
A military issue small can opener: $.65
Same price on Amazon, a multi tool’s can opener would be far more compact and easier to pack and carry.
With a crank can opener you have an exposed sharp edge in your pack, it requires more cleaning and upkeep than a multi tool after use and it will rust and wear out faster than an old school hand can opener. The only advantage is speed but in any emergency if you have enough time and space to eat, you have enough time to hand pop a can with a smarter tool for the situation.
A military issue large can opener: $.85
(Same deal as small can opener)
Starflash signal mirror: $9.99
This piece of crap is $5.00 (shipping included) on Amazon and you cant even shave with it. Any decent compass has enough reflective surfaces, floats in water and sighting on it to target signal with. If You hold it the right way you have a good enough reflective surface to shave with. You can get a really bang up compass off amazon for $5.00 (shipping effin included).
HOWEVER as you will see later in this article, I found something far better.
Emergency survival blanket: $1.99
This is a mylar survival blanket and the price for this ONE is actually pretty good. It is also a somewhat useful item for survival. However there are a few deals on Amazon selling them in packs of 5 to 10 that make the amazon option cheaper, … again.
Mylar is thin and WILL tear and break down in the wild. You will want at least two with you. One for your body and one for a clean surface, to eat food off, something to catch water and drink water from. You can also make a condensation trap with a mylar blanket if you are in areas scarce of water but you will also want some clear plastic sheeting or bags (anything at or larger than a large ziplock bag) for serious condensation trapping clear plastic garbage bags would be perfect. *The battlbox contains no clear plastic sheeting or bags in necessary sizes for this. Clear plastic is the hallmark of any true survival kit as condensation trapping is essential in any situation where water may be scarce or hostiles may be coveting water sources.
In any prolonged crisis, water is your best friend before food and fire.
Gerber “style” waterproof fire starter $14.99
This is a knock off of the Gerber waterproof flint starter with tinder and a whistle in a waterproof case. Since it is a knock off it means the flint may just be a coated tube and not a full flint piece, meaning it wouldn’t last as long as the actual Gerber.
The actual Gerber flint, tinder and whistle in a waterproof case is $12.00 (shipping included) on Amazon.
This is a somewhat useful item however I would go with the cheaper Gerber that comes with more of a guarantee of working.
One drawback of flints is that they make noise and a bright flash if it is dark. They draw a lot of attention.
In a really critical apocalypse situation a flint would go hand in hand with a good supply of wind and waterproof survival matches which you can get for $4.00 (shipping included) on Amazon.
If all else fails, rub them sticks or simply focus some sunlight through a really bad ass compass/survival system that is less than half the price and performs all of the functions of the fire starter, compass, mirror and flashlight in the moronic battlbox.
CRKT Eat’N Tool (the name alone announces the idiocracy of this item) $7.99
A spork, bottle opener and for some reason hex wrenches on a carabiner.
Firstly, this POS has tools on it that any half wit survivalist should have on their multi tool already.
Second, the wrenches have a lot of thin metal around them and a curved spork for a handle. Unless the nut or bolt you are trying to turn was hand tightened with plenty of WD-40 no less than a few days ago, this thing is going to be a bitch to try and turn it with. IF you can even slop the wrench head onto the nut or bolt.
As far as the spork goes, a spork is an item you do not NEED. When surviving you use and carry only what you NEED. Utensils are luxury items a step above your fingers (cold food) and your multi tool’s flat edge or knife (hot food), a split stick or some bark. When you get to a place safe and bountiful enough with food to start camping, you can carve yourself some fine dinning wares with your multi tool.
*BTW, THIS is the kind of multi tool you want and this thing runs a close second to plastic sheeting on essentials for survival.
You DO NOT want to skimp on a good multi tool. *Also noting that battlbox does not offer a multi tool in any of it’s boxes.
In the “advanced” box
(all above items) and:
THE ARMY SURVIVAL MANUAL FM 21-76 $8.15
THE ONLY truly useful and essential item in the entire collection!
The US Army has developed THE BEST survival guide one could ever ask for from a military institution.
It is full of useful information and an essential survivalist education.
The price also isn’t too bad though you CAN get it slightly cheaper on Amazon (shipping included) for $6.50
A “GI Spec” marching compass: $8.95
As I already pointed out, there is a far more useful compass system that includes two of the other useless items in this box for nearly the same price of this one item WITH shipping included and it takes up less space.
Tactical 300 Lumen 3 mode flashlight: $12.95
This is just a case of overcharging for a useful item to play on consumer ignorance.
In the “pro” box
(All above items) and:
Aquamaria frontier emergency Water filtration system: $11.95
Ok, straw filter systems are a good way to get a quick filtered drink when you are on the move BUT DO NOT be a moron and stick that thing into an river or lake with your lips attached to it as tutorial videos may suggest. The easiest way to jump an animal or human in the wild is when they put their head to water. You are also putting yourself off balance and occupying to much of your body and attention to the simple act of sucking some water into your mouth. Scoop the water into a cup, plastic sheet, pot or some cloth and then suck it through the filter straw when you have control of it. If the water looks too polluted to have on your skin, there isn’t a filter system that small that is going to get rid of the danger. In that case you can try to boil and sun bathe out the nastier stuff before using the filter. This filter also has a 20 gallon limit. After that it is trash. You can burn through 20 gallons pretty quick if you are out in the wild for a week or more.
Keep in mind that filter straws are for VERY quick drinking needs and you cant prepare large amounts of water with them unless you like drinking, cooking and cleaning with a lot of your own spit. When you don’t have time to stop and the water looks ok enough for a 2 micron filter then this is your item.
Remember water is your best friend in emergency survival situations.
I would recommend something more substantial if you truly want to survive.
This filter can be used as a straw filter or t filter a large amount of water from a jug or bottle by screwing onto the top and dumping it through the filter. It will process TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY FOUR GALLONS, it will filter down to 0.05 microns and you can clean the filters yourself.
For $35.00 (shipping included) this is a great price for the one number one item I would want on my person for any prolonged emergency or the downfall of mankind.
Rothco Delux solar cell phone charger: $59.95
They are selling it for about the same price you would find it on Amazon but the rothco is just a bulky, overpriced and very crappy version of this solar cell phone charger.
Not to mention they are only selling you the rothco charger for almost $60.00, they aren’t including the phone adapter which YOU will have to buy later.
The Apollo comes with all the necessary adapters and some you may find useful for charging other USB and low power devices.
For those times when you have little to no sunlight (often 12 of those 24 hours) there is this system.
Also very cheap and very useful.
Pro plus KOTM box
(all of the above items) and:
Kershaw Cryo 2 Blackwash knife: $67.99
Not to mention the Kershaw is a horrible example of a knife.
It is regularly $9.99
Same grade of steel as the Kershaw, AWESOME SAW, awesome survival kit and waterproof chamber in the handle AND it floats when you drop it in water unlike the Kershaw.
Not to mention when you whip this bad boy out people know you mean bidness.
A good big knife is also an essential survival tool. Anything that your multi tool (like shelter building, fishing, hunting and heavy chopping) wouldn’t be able to handle, this knife will deliver on.
I am not one who seriously thinks that our civilization is headed for a quick and immediate ruin.
We have been slowly sinking into the idiocracy for a long time now. Websites like battlbox.com are proof of this.